I've been waking up with nothing to feel. My mind is one filled with chaos, turmoil and broken thoughts from a past that never should have been. A present that seems to hurt to be in, regardless of all the luxuries I have in life. A future that keeps its uncertainty, because I expect so much of myself but can't seem to commit to anything. My mind is chaos, the very definition of it. Sparks and particles fly through the very crevices of my mind. I have so much to think about, so much to do, so much to see... but will I truly see it all before it hits me? The scary thing on the other side of our existence, what is it? What does it want with us? Is it truly a "just" being, who actually wants to see us succeed? Or are we its little toys, to be written in its story book in the future? Let me get to the point. Why? If something did create us, why did we have to suffer these experiences, when we simply could have been born into peace and luxury? What does it want with the suffering we endure? The people we lose, the attachment to life and reality that we drop over the long years of turmoil, what does it need to know by creating us? I don't know why I've been having this constant dread of dying, but it's been hitting so hard that I can't ignore it now. Something keeps telling me that I'm going to die, with every day that voice gets louder. Yes, I know I'm going to die, that's apparent. But something is telling me I'm going to die soon. I know this can't be true, I have many years ahead of me. What if it means something about me will be making its departure soon? It's a weird feeling. Every time I have that reminder, everything stops and I process that. What do I want to do in the event that something does indeed suddenly kill me? What kind of impact do I want to make that I haven't made yet? I want to change the world around me. I want the incredible chance to change reality before death. Would it ever happen though? I'm not sure, but there's plenty of events that defy what we understand about the world around us. Perhaps I want to be that next thing that will be studied for years to come, how I defied all odds and fought something from the low bottom all the way to the mountainous top. But for now, I'm simply Christopher Gist. A person without a purpose in a world full of people who have found their place. I fight my own uphill battle of a need for fulfillment and belonging, in a world where something may have created us for no reason, or all reasons.
I've been waking up with nothing to feel. My mind is one filled with chaos, turmoil and broken thoughts from a past that never should have been. A present that seems to hurt to be in, regardless of all the luxuries I have in life. A future that keeps its uncertainty, because I expect so much of myself but can't seem to commit to anything. My mind is chaos, the very definition of it. Sparks and particles fly through the very crevices of my mind. I have so much to think about, so much to do, so much to see... but will I truly see it all before it hits me? The scary thing on the other side of our existence, what is it? What does it want with us? Is it truly a "just" being, who actually wants to see us succeed? Or are we its little toys, to be written in its story book in the future? Let me get to the point. Why? If something did create us, why did we have to suffer these experiences, when we simply could have been born into peace and luxury? What does it want with the suffering we endure? The people we lose, the attachment to life and reality that we drop over the long years of turmoil, what does it need to know by creating us? I don't know why I've been having this constant dread of dying, but it's been hitting so hard that I can't ignore it now. Something keeps telling me that I'm going to die, with every day that voice gets louder. Yes, I know I'm going to die, that's apparent. But something is telling me I'm going to die soon. I know this can't be true, I have many years ahead of me. What if it means something about me will be making its departure soon? It's a weird feeling. Every time I have that reminder, everything stops and I process that. What do I want to do in the event that something does indeed suddenly kill me? What kind of impact do I want to make that I haven't made yet? I want to change the world around me. I want the incredible chance to change reality before death. Would it ever happen though? I'm not sure, but there's plenty of events that defy what we understand about the world around us. Perhaps I want to be that next thing that will be studied for years to come, how I defied all odds and fought something from the low bottom all the way to the mountainous top. But for now, I'm simply Christopher Gist. A person without a purpose in a world full of people who have found their place. I fight my own uphill battle of a need for fulfillment and belonging, in a world where something may have created us for no reason, or all reasons.
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