What is the no contact rule? Essentially what most people believe is that the no contact rule is a short period of time, usually between 30-90 days, where we have absolutely no contact with our exes, not through phone, text, social media, or email. If we break the rule at any point, despite how late in the game we are, we have to start over from day 1. This is supposed to help our exes calm down and forget about our flaws that made them break up with us and only remember the positive things about us, the things that made them fall in love with us in the first place, making them want us back, making them miss us, and making them reach out to us, which in most cases, they do, but not in the way we expect. I want to talk about why the no contact rule doesn’t work. First off, the idea of this rule, despite whether it does or doesn’t work, is extremely manipulative and does not represent love. We’re pretty much using it as a way to trick people into thinking that they love us just because they miss us. When you go from spending all your time with someone to not even speaking to them, you are going to eventually miss that person, even if you don’t want to be with them. Even if we do get our exes back, this deceit will only make it temporary because all the problems that caused the breakup are still there.
Second, this rule gives us false hope that if we stay silent long enough, then we will magically get our exes to love us again. When does that ever happen except for in movies!? We hold onto this false belief that by that 30 day or 90 day mark, we will automatically be back with our exes. But what happens when that day comes and we still don’t hear from them? We’re crushed, right?! We spend all that time getting our hopes up just to get shot down again, leaving us even more miserable than we were before. There is never a guarantee that staying silent will make them come back. we can’t force someone to talk to us if they don’t want to.
Third, even if our exes do contact us during or after the no contact period, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want us back, or if they do, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship will work out. Our exes may text us and say they miss us, causing us to break the rule, thinking that it worked and they want us back, but sometimes saying “I miss you” does not equate to "I want you". And just like that, one “hi” or one “I miss you” pushes us back to square one of the no contact rule. This creates a constant mind game for us. We battle with ourselves on whether we should answer their texts, and we battle with ourselves when we keep cycling back to the start, falsely assuming that receiving that text means the relationship is repaired. This also creates a gateway for off and on relationships. By answering our ex’s text, this lets them know that they can crush our hearts and destroy us, and we will still want them whenever they choose to come back. This tells them that it’s okay for them to come and go as they please because despite what they do, we will always be waiting.
Finally, the no contact rule is SUPPOSED to help US heal, not help us win our exes back. Most people falsely believe that this is a game rather than a healing mechanism. The concept of the rule is that by not interacting with our exes long enough, we eventually push them out of our minds, allowing us to heal because we’re no longer thinking about them. This is why the rule is so difficult to do. We are literally forced to walk through our pain day by day until we can wake up feeling okay again. People always ask if there is a fast track or a shortcut to the no contact rule. Some articles even suggest how it’s okay to cut the no contact rule down to 2 weeks. but from most people’s experience, that never works. We go back and forth between waiting and contacting, just to get hurt over and over again, never allowing ourselves to heal.
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